Anatomy of a Teenager

Class, please observe and take notes:
Begin with the lower extremities, clad in
Adidas or Nike sneakers or, occasionally, dress shoes.
Using your forceps, carefully remove this layer of leather and suede,
and find the subderma’s corporate logo—
note in your logs whether it is Adidas, Nike,
or of some rarer, more expensive type.
Remember: this deeper layer is commonly referred to as
“ankle socks.” I’ll use that term in the quiz on Tuesday.
Now, refer to your lab sheet and follow
the specimen’s lower structure upwards;
you will notice the sudden transition from footwear
into khaki slacks or, less often, jeans.
Again, find the brand-name: Gap? Eddie Bauer?
Levi’s? Old Navy? Guess? Tommy Hilfiger? Write it down.
Once you’ve finished your observations of this feature
continue up the body to the torso
which will be wrapped in a cotton-like fabric substance.
Carefully turn your subject’s head to the side and
look at the shirt tag. It may be difficult to locate at first,
but it’ll show up after a little searching.
Write down the label you find on the tag—
in the past, students have found interesting ones such as
Unionbay, Structure, and Abercrombie and Fitch.
Finally, find your specimen’s manipulator appendages
and note the presence of a wristwatch. These are
undetachable from the body, so don’t try to remove them.
Next week, class: we look through the specimen’s
weekly planner, wallet, and pocket contents,
and discover the importance it associates with
dates, sports events, social activities, and inane banter.
Homework’s on the board. Class dismissed.